There we were, me, baby Lilli, my husband, my step-daughter, both my parents, my brother, his wife, their two little ones. The nurses were in and out, checking on me, waiting to see if the epidural was wearing off properly, checking the baby and me. Everything seemed to be going fine. As all the feeling came back to my legs (and I realized how sore I was), I also realized that I couldn't put off a trip to the bathroom any longer. The nurses helped me out of bed and I waddled to the bathroom.
Then came the blood, gushing, pouring, roaring out of me. I remember the nurse calling for help, for a wheelchair, then I blacked out. I came to on my back, moving, the lights on the ceiling of the hospital flashing by and knew something was very wrong. I remember praying to God not to leave my husband to raise our daughters alone. He'd already lost one wife to abandonment. It would be too cruel to make him a widower today. I don't remember anything else until that night--it must have been late, but I don't know how late. I woke up back in the same room. Someone had delivered a beautiful basket of fruit, crackers and cheese from the staff at my school. Lilli was nowhere to be seen. Just Lupe, my husband, was there. My part was the easier part. I had been unconscious. I hadn't endured the horrible waiting and praying, the dread of hearing the worst news, that my family had endured for the past hours.
The problem had nothing to do with the pre-eclampsia. Instead, the culprit was a cyst on my cervix. The ultrasound technician had spotted it at my 20-week ultrasound, and it had grown with my pregnancy. The biggest concern about it had been whether it would interfere with proper dilation and effacing. Since that part was over, we hadn't thought it would cause other complications. Unexpectedly, it prevented my uterus from clamping down and stopping the bleeding properly. As I held my baby girl and spoke with my family, my uterus was filling up with blood. I was slowly bleeding to death. Dr. K said I was only ten or fifteen minutes from the point of no return. Much longer and I would have lost too much blood for them to save. As it was, I'd had hours of emergency surgery, a blood transfusion, and I was on a high alert watch. If I started bleeding again, the next step was an emergency hysterectomy.
Much of the next few days has blurred together in memory. I couldn't eat for a while. I had broth and ginger ale and water. I was on a catheter, and because I couldn't get up, they put funny little things on my feet that squeezed them periodically to prevent blood clots. I felt cold, even with the heat turned up. It was snowing outside, the light, powdery snow we get in early fall. The leaves on the trees were still golden, but they froze while I was there and started turning brown. Lilli was perfect. I was exhausted. They took my blood several times in the first twenty-four hours after the surgery. It felt like every hour, but I'm not sure anymore. I never had a problem with needles until then; now I can't watch them stick me.
The time in the hospital after Lilli was spent recovering from my emergency more than bonding with her. I remember long, quiet stretches punctuated by visits and holding and nursing Lilli. The staff knew I wanted to feed her myself, not have them give her bottles, and they were very good about making sure I did. Even when I was discharged, on that Friday--I had been in the hospital since Monday afternoon--the deep, bone-weary exhaustion had not left. That was from the blood loss and transfusion, I am sure, and my abdomen ached terribly. I couldn't believe they were sending me home, even though I was glad to be going. I was ready for my bed, my house, my shower, and time with my baby. Of course, I got winded walking up half a flight of stairs, so I couldn't quite believe they actually trusted me to be in charge of a baby.
|She was so little we actually used some preemie-sized clothes, but she was a champion nurser and doubled her birthweight in a few months.|
Sometimes, Lilli seemed so easy, and I wondered why we hadn't tried for a baby earlier, but I think God's timing was on our hearts. Dr. K and her staff saved my life. We had only moved into that town a year before, and I am convinced that I would not have survived in the hospital in our previous town. Too many of my grown nieces have delivered there, and the stories are discouraging (very high rate of c-sections, actively discouraging moms from breastfeeding--not a very welcoming environment).